Naughty, Negative & Nasty News, at Your Service
Well there sure is a lot of important news today! Let me help you sort out what you may have missed.
For instance, were you aware California voted via Nintendo Switch? That’s how Donkey Kong ended up in second place!
Speaking of Donkey Kong, locally Bruce and Becky Griffey downplayed debtor’s prison as motivation for their low down dirty political ambition. Says our source, “Judges get paid, yo! Also, when you heard of a Judge going to prison for not paying their taxes? Also, sexy robes!”
Speaking of schmucks, US Weekly magazine called the election way before any others even thought about it. That’s right, this year’s Sexiest Couple is 1998’s Brad and Jen!
Speaking of sexiest man alive, unfortunately Sean Connery is no longer that. Alive that is. No he’s dead as a door nail. A sexy door nail though. Which garnered headlines with British tabloids, “Sean Connery Named Sexiest Corpse!”
A close second was Ron Jeremy, but it turned out people confused his shriveled shrew like countenance with a fake news report regarding Jason Mamoa’s accidental death by vegetable dehydrator. On the bright side, they are both very much alive.
Speaking of fallen angels, (Ron), did you hear about Aubrey Gold, award winning actress? Oh wait, sorry, no awards. Yep she is suspected of masterminding a murder in Dothan Alabama! Is this a story of a good girl gone bad or a bad girl gone badder?
I know, I know. You haven’t heard about this at all! And that’s a shame.
I mean Amy Fisher didn’t even kill Mary Jo Buttafuoco and she’s written books, appeared on television shows, maybe even some Ron Jeremy films!
And remember the Nicole Kidman movie where she played the weathergirl who seduced a teenage boy to murder her husband? (A lot of unnecessary phrases there) That was based on a true story! Why should this get more attention than a “successful” drug murder plot of an actress’ boyfriend?
Movie tagline: She was 23. He was 51. Everyone knew he’d end up in a shallow grave.
No, poor Aubrey will have no such luck. Maybe it’s because it occurred in Dothan, Alabama? Which by the way is very close to Florida!
I don’t think so. I’ve seen pictures of Aubrey. She’s not toothless as you would imagine.
No, I think it’s because Aubrey is blonde. At least she was the day she reported for jail. And as we all know, if you’re blonde, and a white person you get preferential treatment.
Blonde girl goes missing, stop the presses! Blonde girl late for curfew, alert the police! Blonde girl murders her pimp daddy, let’s keep that quiet.
Speaking of blondish girls, what about “blonde girl masterminds dirty campaigns” in small town of Paris? Oh wait, we’ve already had our Becky Griffey segment of this newscast. One can only handle so much before it rots your teeth.
By the way, has anyone checked District Attorney Matt Stowe’s teeth lately?
In other news, what about that World Series this year? Yeah me neither.
In other news, what about the NBA finals? Yeah, me neither.
In other news, how about those Titans? They lost to the Bengals! To the Bengals!
Relax everyone, tomorrow is another day, though admittedly around here, another racist, ignorant day. No matter what happens, they aren’t going anywhere fast. But keep your head up, they aren’t getting anywhere either.