Title: UFOs are Back and You Should be Scared

Okay so evidently no one has been paying attention to news reports of hypersonic aircraft buzzing our Air Force pilots, because I’ve heard no one freaking out!

And now this week we’re told there is a huge metallic mass, five times bigger than the big island of Hawaii, buried underneath the moon’s surface.

Also, Justin Bieber.

These three things are obviously proof of an alien invasion. And evidently none of you care!

Did Trump call it fake news? Was it published on Aliens Encounters You Tube channel or on actual news casts on network television or perhaps even in the Washington Post?

Hint: The last one.

I don’t understand. Why are people not tripping?

So seriously, the Air Force, or USAF, or to be more specific, the United States Air Force have had jets, not propeller driven, but jets, buzzed by aircraft that can move up, down, stop on a dime and do all of this at hypersonic speed!

Again, jets!

The airmen were like, “no one’s going to believe this.”

But it happened so many times that finally pilots had to start officially reporting it. And it happened so many times that the Pentagon officially started keeping records of it.

There were all kinds of reports back in 2014 and 2015. And they weren’t just for a few minutes. One report was that of a spinning top like aircraft at 30,000 feet, flying for 12 hours. Twelve hours!

This is about 11 hours too long for conventional airplanes.

Oh and by the way, twelve hours!

And also this just in: the pilots who witnessed this weren’t flying over Albuquerque or Area 51. No, they were flying over the northeast United States!

There is something out there, people. Something unknown, something unexplained, something unidentified.

And now we find out there is a mysterious, humongous, metallic hunk of metal, or maybe bunker, buried underneath the moon’s surface.

It’s coincidentally buried at the bottom of an equally humongous crater, intimating it could have been the core of an ancient asteroid, embedded into the moon billions of years ago, when the two collided.

Yes, it could be that, or it could be a bunker.

If James Bond movies were as cool as they used to be, we’d send a real James Bond, like Tom Hardy or the Hemsworth guy who plays Thor, up there to investigate. They’d rocket to the moon, jump in a space torpedo, and discover what’s really going on.

For instance, I’ll bet there are Russians up there. They probably discovered the secret alien base and hijacked it for Spectre!

Turns out the moon base aliens were actually our predecessors who fled the earth during a time of great upheaval, probably when the populace elected an orange real estate hack to rule Ancient Greece.

And so of course, Russians, being Russian, used stolen technology from us, to steal alien tech from Zeus, Apollo and Athena. And henceforth they are now buzzing our pilots!

Don’t worry, James Bond Tom Hardy probably hooks up with Aphrodite, and together they battle the Bieber Bot who has just humiliated Tom Cruise and the IM Squad.

Thanks James Bond Tom Hardy. Thanks.